After taking 9 pregnancy tests last week and having my blood drawn three different times, it is quite obvious that I am finally pregnant!

I guess since I've had a history of infertility (that terrible word appears 7 times on my online medical chart) they wanted to have me come in so they could make sure that my progesterone and HCG levels were rising as they should be. With each blood draw, my levels continued to climb. I really am beginning to feel like this may work out!

But this week as I was celebrating beautifully rising HCG levels that were more than doubling every 48 hours, a writer of one of the infertility blogs I read, was mourning over dropping HCG levels. Like me, she had taken almost a dozen pregnancy tests the previous week. She had had one very faint positive, followed by negative after negative. When she had her betas done, her chemical pregnancy was confirmed. Her HCG levels were dropping.

I've been thinking (and praying) for her a lot this week. The unfairness of infertility still stings. My heart drops when I read her posts—just like when I would start my period each month. I know she feels beaten down at every single turn.

Since becoming pregnant I've only started to realize the toll that infertility has taken on me.

I didn't realize how much brain space was being consumed by infertility. The last two weeks I have been the epitome of relaxed. That's probably not what you imagine a newly pregnant woman to feel like. I feel like a huge weight is off of my shoulder. I have even limited my pregnancy research just so I can cling to this newly found freedom. Who knows how long it will last?

I still avoid pregnant women like the plague. I thought that once my infertility was resolved that I would no longer be infertile. But in a weird way, I still am. When I went into the clinic those three times for my blood draw, I looked around the waiting room, trying to find a seat next to a group of old ladies instead of all the pregnant bumps everywhere. I don't feel like I'm "one of them" yet. I assume this will go away eventually, but realistically I know infertility has changed me forever. And also, I realize I may have more problems in the future. It's not guaranteed that it's over for me.

I have been struggling with survivor's guilt this week as I've been reading this other girl's blog. It's not fair that she can't get pregnant. So I feel like it's not fair that I did get pregnant.

I guess this is really the first time I've acknowledged how life-changing infertility is. I guess I assumed that once my infertility was resolved that life would go back to how it was before all of this. But I'm different now. I guess all I can do is learn from it, grow from it, and start readying my heart for our little baby!