After taking 9 pregnancy tests last week and having my blood drawn three different times, it is quite obvious that I am finally pregnant!

I guess since I've had a history of infertility (that terrible word appears 7 times on my online medical chart) they wanted to have me come in so they could make sure that my progesterone and HCG levels were rising as they should be. With each blood draw, my levels continued to climb. I really am beginning to feel like this may work out!

But this week as I was celebrating beautifully rising HCG levels that were more than doubling every 48 hours, a writer of one of the infertility blogs I read, was mourning over dropping HCG levels. Like me, she had taken almost a dozen pregnancy tests the previous week. She had had one very faint positive, followed by negative after negative. When she had her betas done, her chemical pregnancy was confirmed. Her HCG levels were dropping.

I've been thinking (and praying) for her a lot this week. The unfairness of infertility still stings. My heart drops when I read her posts—just like when I would start my period each month. I know she feels beaten down at every single turn.

Since becoming pregnant I've only started to realize the toll that infertility has taken on me.

I didn't realize how much brain space was being consumed by infertility. The last two weeks I have been the epitome of relaxed. That's probably not what you imagine a newly pregnant woman to feel like. I feel like a huge weight is off of my shoulder. I have even limited my pregnancy research just so I can cling to this newly found freedom. Who knows how long it will last?

I still avoid pregnant women like the plague. I thought that once my infertility was resolved that I would no longer be infertile. But in a weird way, I still am. When I went into the clinic those three times for my blood draw, I looked around the waiting room, trying to find a seat next to a group of old ladies instead of all the pregnant bumps everywhere. I don't feel like I'm "one of them" yet. I assume this will go away eventually, but realistically I know infertility has changed me forever. And also, I realize I may have more problems in the future. It's not guaranteed that it's over for me.

I have been struggling with survivor's guilt this week as I've been reading this other girl's blog. It's not fair that she can't get pregnant. So I feel like it's not fair that I did get pregnant.

I guess this is really the first time I've acknowledged how life-changing infertility is. I guess I assumed that once my infertility was resolved that life would go back to how it was before all of this. But I'm different now. I guess all I can do is learn from it, grow from it, and start readying my heart for our little baby!

Celebrating Prognancy

No, that's not a typo in the title. We really are celebrating prognancy. Never heard of it? That's because it's something that me and hubby made up this morning.

This morning I decided, "Heck, I know I'm only 9 days post ovulation, but I've got 20 pregnancy tests in my stock, so why not test?" Peed in a cup. Dipped the test in. Laid it on the counter. Checked the time to make sure I checked back within 10 minutes. I checked back in 8 minutes. There was a very light 2nd line.

Now, back in January I had a test with an evap line. I had thrown away a negative test, only to fish it out several hours later, and there was a 2nd line. I got my hopes up thinking maybe it was a positive, but it wasn't. Just an evil evap. We all know you aren't supposed to read those tests past the time limit, but I think we all do it.

Last month I had what I THINK was a light line that was so light some people couldn't see it. But let's face it, not everyone has as good of eyesight as I do, right? I was so unsure that I decided to wait until the next day and tested again. It was as negative as you can get. Then the next day my temperature dropped, and you know who came to visit. Not Voldemort, silly! Good ol' aunt flow!

So when I saw the second line this morning, I just sat it back down on the counter and thought, "Hmm, that's funny that there is a second line. It must be wrong."

See the little pink line?!?

When husband got home from his shift, I wanted to get his second opinion. He looked at the test and said, "Isn't the second line supposed to be as dark or darker than the control line?' Silly husband. You are thinking of OPKs! I quickly switched him over into pregnancy test land where a second line of any darkness is a positive. His final response was, "don't get your hopes up, it might not be." He also told me to view this as progress, not pregnancy.

Tomorrow we had a doctors appointment that required us to be within quick driving distance to the fertility clinic. So tonight we have a hotel room booked just a mile from the clinic. We decided to cancel the appointment until further notice (if I'm not actually pregnant we will reschedule). But we still have a non-refundable hotel reservation our hands. Husband decided we should celebrate progress tonight. We will still be using the hotel and going out to eat tonight. Hence, we are celebrating prognancy tonight!

And instead of going to the fertility clinic tomorrow, I set up an appointment to get blood pregnancy test. I felt crazy setting up the appointment. Like, I shouldn't be doing it since it will just be negative. Surely. And when she went ahead and scheduled an ultrasound in November, I was like, "Oh great, now I'm just going to have to cancel that in the next couple of days when I figure out that I am not pregnant after all."

I feel like if I hadn't gone through infertility, I wouldn't be doubting this pregnancy test. I would simply set up an ultrasound at 8 weeks, figure out a cute way to announce our pregnancy to husband, and that would be the end of it.

Infertility has blown apart my expectations. I expected to get pregnant quickly. I expected it would be super easy. I expected I would just "know" I was pregnant. I expected that when I got a positive pregnancy test, it would be this huge, "OMG, I'M FREAKIN' PREGNANT!". I didn't expect that I would just look at the test and shrug, assuming it was a joke from the universe. I didn't expect that my 'big announcement" to my husband would be me meeting him at the door with the pee stick in hand and asking him to give me his opinion. I didn't expect that my husband would tell me not to get my hopes hope, that maybe this is not a positive.

Lastly, I definitely didn't expect to be celebrating prognancy instead of pregnancy. But I feel like any celebrating at this point is good. I figure that tomorrow night we will either be celebrating again, or I will be in bed crying. It all depends on that blood test tomorrow!

Ten Things I'm Thankful for Today

Ten Things I'm thankful for today:

1. Instead of going to work, I got to sleep in a little and glam myself up for husband's graduation at the Fire Academy.

2. When I locked myself out of the house and was afraid I wouldn't make it to husband's graduation, I tried the garage keypad one last time (the batteries died about a week ago) and it was a miracle of God that the door eventually opened so I was able to get our spare key.

3. Driving down to Camden I wasn't quite sure where I was going. I ended up seeing a Conway Fire Department truck and knew that they were also going to the graduation. I followed them all the way there.

4. After running over a traffic cone, I was able to find a parking spot (My car obviously just took the place of the traffic cone). Now that I think about it, that probably wasn't a parking spot. Oh well.

5. I just barely managed to get a seat in the very back.

6. Husband led the prayer at the beginning of the graduation. It was beautiful, and he did a wonderful job.

7. Husband graduated! Yay!

Isn't he so handsome?!?

8. We got to eat lunch at a quaint, little diner to celebrate.

9. Upon arriving home, I checked the mail. A package with an infertility product had shown up, and guess what? They gave me a bag of baby dust! Do you remember that blog post I did titled, "You Know You're Infertile If . . ."? Well, I mentioned something about baby dust on there, and now instead of being given cyber baby dust from girls on forums, I have REAL baby dust! I giggled when I saw it.

10. Husband and I enjoyed a 30 minute walk with our puppies. It was calming, and the weather was cool. And we made it back to our house just minutes before it started raining.

So there are ten things that I'm thankful for today. It was an eventful and good day.

Not a Day for Mascara

I really need to invest in some good waterproof mascara. The mascara I have right now is not so waterproof. I hardly wear it, because I cry pretty much all the time. But today I was feeling pretty confident and happy, so I put that mascara on, and headed out the door.

First thing at work, we had a devotion with the entire content team. A guy who is new to our content team led today. He asked us to turn to Psalm 139. My heart jumped. Do you remember that I wrote a blog post a couple of weeks about Psalm 139? Probably not. So if you need a refresher, click here. For some reason, when I found out that we were talking about Psalm 139, I wondered, "Are he and his wife struggling with infertility?" I immediately shook that thought out of my head, and just assumed we were going to talk about babies or something. I was prepared to act like I got a phone call so I could walk out of the room.

Then he began to talk about how he had originally viewed that verse, and now through life's circumstances, he is looking at it from a different angle. Just like me, he had previously read that verse and thought about babies, and the sanctity of life, and whatnot. And that's a great perspective on that verse. But also, just like me, he started to talk about how infertility has made him and his wife read the verse differently. He talked about how we can shake our fists at God in anger for how he has formed our bodies, or we can yield to Him, and trust that He is using us for His glory.

I had the hardest time not bursting into tears. It was unreal to me that just a week or so ago I had been going through this chapter and praying that God would remove my anger and hatred of my body, and now my coworker was talking about the same exact verse, the same exact situation, the same frustrations. If I wasn't so incredibly secretive about my infertility (and my blog) I would assume he had been lurking on my blog.

Next we split into small groups to pray. We prayed over a few prayer requests, but then a different coworker (who as far as I know is also unaware of my issues) began praying for all infertile couples. He prayed for God to bless their wombs and to comfort them. I didn't hear the rest of the prayer because at that point I was for real crying, and unfortunately very concerned about my mascara (shallow?).

I've been praying that God would work in my heart and life. I have been begging Him to help me to yield to His spirit. I have been asking Him to show me his power and love (and acknowledging that that does not have to come packaged as a baby, although I still have my fingers crossed!). I can tell that my heart is changing. And I can tell God is orchestrating different encounters to change my heart, encourage me, show me His love.

Today I don't feel alone. I don't feel ignored. I don't feel guilty, but forgiven. I don't feel hopeless, but hopeful. Today I feel thankful. Today I don't feel tired.

And tomorrow, I'm going to wear that mascara!