Not a Day for Mascara

I really need to invest in some good waterproof mascara. The mascara I have right now is not so waterproof. I hardly wear it, because I cry pretty much all the time. But today I was feeling pretty confident and happy, so I put that mascara on, and headed out the door.

First thing at work, we had a devotion with the entire content team. A guy who is new to our content team led today. He asked us to turn to Psalm 139. My heart jumped. Do you remember that I wrote a blog post a couple of weeks about Psalm 139? Probably not. So if you need a refresher, click here. For some reason, when I found out that we were talking about Psalm 139, I wondered, "Are he and his wife struggling with infertility?" I immediately shook that thought out of my head, and just assumed we were going to talk about babies or something. I was prepared to act like I got a phone call so I could walk out of the room.

Then he began to talk about how he had originally viewed that verse, and now through life's circumstances, he is looking at it from a different angle. Just like me, he had previously read that verse and thought about babies, and the sanctity of life, and whatnot. And that's a great perspective on that verse. But also, just like me, he started to talk about how infertility has made him and his wife read the verse differently. He talked about how we can shake our fists at God in anger for how he has formed our bodies, or we can yield to Him, and trust that He is using us for His glory.

I had the hardest time not bursting into tears. It was unreal to me that just a week or so ago I had been going through this chapter and praying that God would remove my anger and hatred of my body, and now my coworker was talking about the same exact verse, the same exact situation, the same frustrations. If I wasn't so incredibly secretive about my infertility (and my blog) I would assume he had been lurking on my blog.

Next we split into small groups to pray. We prayed over a few prayer requests, but then a different coworker (who as far as I know is also unaware of my issues) began praying for all infertile couples. He prayed for God to bless their wombs and to comfort them. I didn't hear the rest of the prayer because at that point I was for real crying, and unfortunately very concerned about my mascara (shallow?).

I've been praying that God would work in my heart and life. I have been begging Him to help me to yield to His spirit. I have been asking Him to show me his power and love (and acknowledging that that does not have to come packaged as a baby, although I still have my fingers crossed!). I can tell that my heart is changing. And I can tell God is orchestrating different encounters to change my heart, encourage me, show me His love.

Today I don't feel alone. I don't feel ignored. I don't feel guilty, but forgiven. I don't feel hopeless, but hopeful. Today I feel thankful. Today I don't feel tired.

And tomorrow, I'm going to wear that mascara!