Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.

Psalm 139:13–14

This verse is probably the most popular verse for an expectant mother to read. She clings to the fact that God is forming her baby, and that her baby is fearfully and wonderfully made. What a comfort! I even have read Psalm 139 several times during my infertility journey, because it's fun to imagine myself pregnant and clinging to that promise. 

I read this verse again a couple of days ago, but instead of thinking about a perfect, plump baby, I thought of myself. I don't feel like I am "wonderfully" made. I hate my body—not in a minor "I need to lose 5–10 pounds" kind of way, but in a "my body is a broken, decaying, pile of mess that doesn't have the ability to get pregnant, and probably can't even keep a pregnancy." It's dark, isn't it? Well, it's my reality right now.

Before infertility, I knew just the basics about my reproductive system. That was enough at the time. Since joining the infertile club, I have learned WAY more about the reproductive system than what the average person knows. And Oh. My. Goodness. It is complex! I've read some of the latest research in medical journals. I've gotten to where I recognize certain doctor's names, and I know what their research is about. I've even come across varying opinions on one tiny aspect. 

I'm currently reading about beta-3 integrins and their role in implantation. People with endometriosis (such as myself) often do not express beta-3 integrins during any given cycle. Some doctors believe that beta-3 is key to successful implantation and that lack of it would cause implantation failure. Others are adamant that beta-3 has no effect, and it doesn't even matter if it's there or not—so they won't even test for it. See what I mean? Girls—our bodies are crazy complex! We can't even understand it!

I researched to empower myself. To become my own advocate. I know that I care about my health more than my doctor does. I needed to be able to communicate with him and ask appropriate questions. But now I'm more confused than ever. There are so many things that can go wrong making pregnancy not possible. I've only had 3 different tests so far. How in the world can I rule out everything and find the root of the problem? Especially when doctors are still researching the intricacies of the reproductive system and infertility. 

Instead of feeling empowered, I feel powerless.

Instead of being my own advocate, I don't even know where to start. 

But Psalm 139 reminds us that our dear Father in heaven does have power. He formed my entire body, down to the tiniest cell. His works are wonderful. Sometimes when I am trying to make sense of how my body functions (or is supposed to function), I am simply in awe of the creator. His power, His knowledge.

Psalm 139 also reminds me that I should look to my ever-present Lord to be my advocate. He cares more about my health than my doctor does. He's not confused by infertility. He's not forming theories, testing them, and trying to convince doctors about His findings. He intimately knows the intricacies of my body. I know he can heal my body—while my doctor (who I respect very much) is still trying to find out what's wrong with me. 

And when I feel like my body is a "broken, decaying, pile of mess", I can read that I am fearfully and wonderfully made—exactly the way my Lord intended.

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