Husband and I were driving home from dinner the other day. As always, my mind was on pregnancy and babies. As I was talking, I started one of my sentences with the word "when". "When" painfully rang in my ears as I thought, "It may never happen for us." I immediately corrected myself to say "if". Then for the next few seconds, I internally beat myself up for using the "when" word.
That is what infertility does. It replaces when with if. When thinks you can get pregnant easily just like everyone else. When doesn't even acknowledge the fact that for some people, it just doesn't happen. When often has a sense of personal control over the situation. 18 months ago I thought that when I got off birth control I would get pregnant fairly quickly. I would say things like, "This time next year, when we have a baby, it will be so fun to shop for Christmas!" I feel foolish for being so presumptuous.
But now I'm living in the world of if. Ironically, the common abbreviation for infertility is IF. And IF just about sums it up. If doesn't know what will happen. If leaves room for the negative or positive outcome. If thinks that using the word when would be naively hopeful and closed-minded to life's unexpected turns.
I wish I could have chosen another way to learn about the world of
if without having to experience infertility, but regardless, I am trying to be thankful. I think it's better living in the world of
if. I'm letting go of control, knowing that I can't plan every detail of our lives. I'm slowly learning what it means to submit to God's will even when His will is the exact opposite of what I would choose for myself. I hope that living in the world of
if will open my eyes to be thankful when good things to happen. I hope it teaches me not to have an attitude of entitlement.
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