You Know You're Infertile If . . .

Being in the South my whole life means that I've heard my fair share of redneck jokes. Just in case you are wondering, they do not strike close to home. However, for a couple of months I've been making my own list in my head related to infertility. I have picked up strange habits that I didn't even know existed until I was struggling to get pregnant. So here's my list:

You Know You're Infertile If . . .

1. You have documentation of every single time you've had sex since at least a year, maybe more. For all of you infertiles, sex is just a synonym for "baby dancing". I know it's been a while since we said S-E-X.

2. You can read the TTC (trying to conceive) forums without getting confused by the jargon. When I first started getting on the Trying to Conceive forums, I literally could not read what the girls were talking about. There are abbreviations for everything. DH, DD, DS, BBT, OPK, BFP, TTC, BD, CD, DPO, the list goes on and on. If you are new to the infertile club, just hang in there . . . pretty soon it will be your new language. Click here for a list of common abbreviations.

3. You've given or received "baby dust". I've never given baby dust to anyone—I know, I'm so selfish, right? But I have received baby dust when I've asked questions on forums. It hasn't really helped yet, but I guess it can't hurt, right?

4. You get annoyed when people suggest weird tricks to help you get pregnant, yet you scour the internet constantly about weird tricks to help you get pregnant. I have started doing a lot of strange things like castor oil packs, rubbing essential oils on my feet, eating certain foods to make the pH of my vagina and cervical mucous more alkaline (and therefore more sperm friendly). As of now, I'm considering doing a liver cleanse so that my body is able to remove toxins and excess hormones more effectively. The other day the thought even crossed my mind that perhaps my shampoo is the cause of my infertility! I mean, it must be! Toxins and chemicals piled on my head every morning! Then I have to remind myself that people get pregnant regardless of shampoo use.

5. You think store bought pregnancy tests are for suckers. I mean, come on, are you really going to pay $10 for a box with 2 or 3 tests when you can have 100 for $30? Buying pregnancy strips online in bulk is the only way to go, if you ask me! If I ever get pregnant, I'll just wait for a positive pregnancy strip, then I can go get a cute/expensive Clear Blue test for pictures and to show husband.

6. Your husband is sick of hearing about the status of your cervical mucous. I don't think my husband can ever look at a cracked open egg the same way again. I'll leave it at that.

7. You obsessively check your temperature. Once I get that positive OPK, I am even more obsessive about my BBT. I've been known to check my temperature several times in one night whenever I wake up. Husband is not a fan of the thermometer and its beeping.

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Let's pause for a moment. 1-7 are things we can laugh about. But as we know, infertility is a life crisis. Laughing at it can be therapeutic in a way, but we also have to acknowledge the pain—whether you yourself are an infertile, or you are a friend of an infertile.

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8. There is not a location that you haven't cried. I have cried in the car, my cubicle, every grocery store in my area, several restaurants, church, teaching Sunday School, family functions, out walking the dog, weddings, doctor's office, etc. You avoid going to certain events just because you know that you will cry and you don't want to make a scene. I haven't cried at a baby shower only because I've refused to go to any baby showers (I've cried at home instead).

9. You struggle with guilt. This may seem odd, but it's very common for infertiles. You think that if only you had made different/better choices in the past, you would not be infertile now. Maybe you should have started trying sooner. Maybe you should have eaten better or controlled your weight better. I even thought that I had somehow cursed myself into infertility. In the past, I would get so angry after being asked several times when I was going to have kids, that I thought, "If only I hadn't been so angry." It doesn't make sense. There's even guilt about how you feel around pregnant women and women with young kids. Maybe I'm just a bit more evil than the average person, but I can not look at a pregnant woman. I get angry, bitter, and jealous. The same goes for women with babies. (FYI, I'm working through the anger, bitterness, and jealousy)

10. Every month is just another chance for you to build up hope and then have it come crashing down. When we first started trying to conceive, I was very laid back. I was even happy when my period would come because I felt it was a good indication that things were returning to normal after getting of birth control. But when you're struggling with infertility, you start thinking that hope might be your enemy. Because you know your period is just around the corner. And it will come. Because something is wrong with your body. That's what you tell yourself.

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