Celebrating Prognancy

No, that's not a typo in the title. We really are celebrating prognancy. Never heard of it? That's because it's something that me and hubby made up this morning.

This morning I decided, "Heck, I know I'm only 9 days post ovulation, but I've got 20 pregnancy tests in my stock, so why not test?" Peed in a cup. Dipped the test in. Laid it on the counter. Checked the time to make sure I checked back within 10 minutes. I checked back in 8 minutes. There was a very light 2nd line.

Now, back in January I had a test with an evap line. I had thrown away a negative test, only to fish it out several hours later, and there was a 2nd line. I got my hopes up thinking maybe it was a positive, but it wasn't. Just an evil evap. We all know you aren't supposed to read those tests past the time limit, but I think we all do it.

Last month I had what I THINK was a light line that was so light some people couldn't see it. But let's face it, not everyone has as good of eyesight as I do, right? I was so unsure that I decided to wait until the next day and tested again. It was as negative as you can get. Then the next day my temperature dropped, and you know who came to visit. Not Voldemort, silly! Good ol' aunt flow!

So when I saw the second line this morning, I just sat it back down on the counter and thought, "Hmm, that's funny that there is a second line. It must be wrong."

See the little pink line?!?

When husband got home from his shift, I wanted to get his second opinion. He looked at the test and said, "Isn't the second line supposed to be as dark or darker than the control line?' Silly husband. You are thinking of OPKs! I quickly switched him over into pregnancy test land where a second line of any darkness is a positive. His final response was, "don't get your hopes up, it might not be." He also told me to view this as progress, not pregnancy.

Tomorrow we had a doctors appointment that required us to be within quick driving distance to the fertility clinic. So tonight we have a hotel room booked just a mile from the clinic. We decided to cancel the appointment until further notice (if I'm not actually pregnant we will reschedule). But we still have a non-refundable hotel reservation our hands. Husband decided we should celebrate progress tonight. We will still be using the hotel and going out to eat tonight. Hence, we are celebrating prognancy tonight!

And instead of going to the fertility clinic tomorrow, I set up an appointment to get blood pregnancy test. I felt crazy setting up the appointment. Like, I shouldn't be doing it since it will just be negative. Surely. And when she went ahead and scheduled an ultrasound in November, I was like, "Oh great, now I'm just going to have to cancel that in the next couple of days when I figure out that I am not pregnant after all."

I feel like if I hadn't gone through infertility, I wouldn't be doubting this pregnancy test. I would simply set up an ultrasound at 8 weeks, figure out a cute way to announce our pregnancy to husband, and that would be the end of it.

Infertility has blown apart my expectations. I expected to get pregnant quickly. I expected it would be super easy. I expected I would just "know" I was pregnant. I expected that when I got a positive pregnancy test, it would be this huge, "OMG, I'M FREAKIN' PREGNANT!". I didn't expect that I would just look at the test and shrug, assuming it was a joke from the universe. I didn't expect that my 'big announcement" to my husband would be me meeting him at the door with the pee stick in hand and asking him to give me his opinion. I didn't expect that my husband would tell me not to get my hopes hope, that maybe this is not a positive.

Lastly, I definitely didn't expect to be celebrating prognancy instead of pregnancy. But I feel like any celebrating at this point is good. I figure that tomorrow night we will either be celebrating again, or I will be in bed crying. It all depends on that blood test tomorrow!

Ten Things I'm Thankful for Today

Ten Things I'm thankful for today:

1. Instead of going to work, I got to sleep in a little and glam myself up for husband's graduation at the Fire Academy.

2. When I locked myself out of the house and was afraid I wouldn't make it to husband's graduation, I tried the garage keypad one last time (the batteries died about a week ago) and it was a miracle of God that the door eventually opened so I was able to get our spare key.

3. Driving down to Camden I wasn't quite sure where I was going. I ended up seeing a Conway Fire Department truck and knew that they were also going to the graduation. I followed them all the way there.

4. After running over a traffic cone, I was able to find a parking spot (My car obviously just took the place of the traffic cone). Now that I think about it, that probably wasn't a parking spot. Oh well.

5. I just barely managed to get a seat in the very back.

6. Husband led the prayer at the beginning of the graduation. It was beautiful, and he did a wonderful job.

7. Husband graduated! Yay!

Isn't he so handsome?!?

8. We got to eat lunch at a quaint, little diner to celebrate.

9. Upon arriving home, I checked the mail. A package with an infertility product had shown up, and guess what? They gave me a bag of baby dust! Do you remember that blog post I did titled, "You Know You're Infertile If . . ."? Well, I mentioned something about baby dust on there, and now instead of being given cyber baby dust from girls on forums, I have REAL baby dust! I giggled when I saw it.

10. Husband and I enjoyed a 30 minute walk with our puppies. It was calming, and the weather was cool. And we made it back to our house just minutes before it started raining.

So there are ten things that I'm thankful for today. It was an eventful and good day.

Not a Day for Mascara

I really need to invest in some good waterproof mascara. The mascara I have right now is not so waterproof. I hardly wear it, because I cry pretty much all the time. But today I was feeling pretty confident and happy, so I put that mascara on, and headed out the door.

First thing at work, we had a devotion with the entire content team. A guy who is new to our content team led today. He asked us to turn to Psalm 139. My heart jumped. Do you remember that I wrote a blog post a couple of weeks about Psalm 139? Probably not. So if you need a refresher, click here. For some reason, when I found out that we were talking about Psalm 139, I wondered, "Are he and his wife struggling with infertility?" I immediately shook that thought out of my head, and just assumed we were going to talk about babies or something. I was prepared to act like I got a phone call so I could walk out of the room.

Then he began to talk about how he had originally viewed that verse, and now through life's circumstances, he is looking at it from a different angle. Just like me, he had previously read that verse and thought about babies, and the sanctity of life, and whatnot. And that's a great perspective on that verse. But also, just like me, he started to talk about how infertility has made him and his wife read the verse differently. He talked about how we can shake our fists at God in anger for how he has formed our bodies, or we can yield to Him, and trust that He is using us for His glory.

I had the hardest time not bursting into tears. It was unreal to me that just a week or so ago I had been going through this chapter and praying that God would remove my anger and hatred of my body, and now my coworker was talking about the same exact verse, the same exact situation, the same frustrations. If I wasn't so incredibly secretive about my infertility (and my blog) I would assume he had been lurking on my blog.

Next we split into small groups to pray. We prayed over a few prayer requests, but then a different coworker (who as far as I know is also unaware of my issues) began praying for all infertile couples. He prayed for God to bless their wombs and to comfort them. I didn't hear the rest of the prayer because at that point I was for real crying, and unfortunately very concerned about my mascara (shallow?).

I've been praying that God would work in my heart and life. I have been begging Him to help me to yield to His spirit. I have been asking Him to show me his power and love (and acknowledging that that does not have to come packaged as a baby, although I still have my fingers crossed!). I can tell that my heart is changing. And I can tell God is orchestrating different encounters to change my heart, encourage me, show me His love.

Today I don't feel alone. I don't feel ignored. I don't feel guilty, but forgiven. I don't feel hopeless, but hopeful. Today I feel thankful. Today I don't feel tired.

And tomorrow, I'm going to wear that mascara!

What is Your Biggest Dream?

I've never been good at journaling, but have always been attracted to the idea of it. So I have started countless journals, only to quit, because I realize that while there are definitely things worth remembering, my day-to-day life is kind of boring. Last year I finally found something that works for me!

It's a five year journal. On each day of the year, it asks a question. Each year, for five years, on that exact date, you answer. You may be shocked to see how much your life has changed in a year. Or maybe you realize that some things haven't changed at all.

You will answer questions like:

Today was delightful because _______

If you had to move to a new city, where would you move?

What was your last great meal?

What made you laugh today?

So it's all fun, and super quick each day. I have managed to keep up with it for 14 months so far! So I'm getting to answer questions now that I answered last year. It's interesting to see how I answered last year as opposed to this year. Today's question was kind of sad, though.

 

It reminded me how much time has gone by. How my attitude has completely shifted from being hopeful, and expectant. How different my world is now. Last year when I answered this question, we had been trying to conceive for six months already and I just KNEW that it would happen next cycle.

This year, I'm tired. I'm a bit beat down. We've been trying for 18 months now. I DON'T think it will happen next cycle, or the next, or next. And I wonder what I will be writing in 2015, 2016, and 2017. Will we finally get to start our family? Will we be beginning the adoption process? Will we still be childless, and wondering what I would be writing for 2018, 2019, and so on? Will God give me a different dream?

I didn't expect infertility. Babies happen so easily for everyone else, it seems. Starting a family didn't seem like an unobtainable dream a year ago. Now it seems like one of those dreams that you are kind of crazy for dreaming. Like it's so unrealistic.

I have been praying so much lately for renewed hope. As I said, I am tired and beat down. I've lost a lot of hope. I've definitely lost any expectation that I had October 8th of last year. And I hope that in 2015, 2016, and 2017—regardless of what my circumstances are like—that I can still dream about something.

Prayer is Hard

The other day, a pregnant Facebook friend posted an image that had a prayer for a mom to pray for her child. My first-time pregnant friend posted how happy she was to be praying for the life growing inside of her. I genuinely felt happy for her. I smiled, knowing that she is getting a lot of joy from her baby and God's blessing in her life.

I started thinking about how prayer is easy when you're thankful and happy. And often times, a person is driven to prayer when something bad happens in their life. But what about when the bad won't go away? And you've been praying and praying, and it seems all for naught? That's when prayer gets hard. It seems like a chore. It takes so much energy. So much emotion. Sometimes I have to force myself to pray, because quite honestly, I don't want to.

I ran across an article today titled When God Feels Cruel (click here to read). It was helpful to me to reorient my thinking. To remind me to focus on what God says He is doing, and not what it feels like God is doing.

I feel like God isn't listening, but God says he is: "In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried to my God: He heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry came before Him, even unto His ears. –Psalm 18:6

I feel like God is punishing me, but God says I am forgiven: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." –1 John 1:9

I feel like this situation is going to break me, but God says He will use it to build me up: "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." –James 1:2–4

I feel like I am alone, but God says He is with me: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. –Isaiah 41:10

I am so thankful that I ran into this article today. I'm expecting today to be a bad day, so it is good to have God's words fresh in my mind. I know it's silly to expect today to be bad, but I just know the routine. My temperature dropped today, so I am literally expecting my period to start any minute now. With the start of a period, comes the crashing down of the hope that I've built up this cycle. I also have my post-op appointment with my doctor. I have a sneaking suspicion that he is about to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist. He has pretty much done everything he can for me, at this point.

So today, if I encounter anything painful, I will remember that God is listening, God has forgiven me, God will use this situation to build me up, and that God is with me. And as I pray, I will give thanks for these promises.

For He is Good

I've been thinking about thankfulness a lot lately. And that's just it. I have been thinking about it, but not practicing it in my life. Sure, I'm thankful for my husband, my job, my home, my friends and family, but I don't think my thankfulness has gone any further than that lately. It's almost like a vague thankfulness that anyone in the world could have—Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, atheist—anyone. It hasn't driven me to my heavenly Father, the giver and sustainer of life.

As you know, I'm a designer, so to help me meditate and memorize verses, I like to draw scriptures. As I was drawing Psalm 107:1, I was thinking about thankfulness. I had somewhat of an epiphany. I have only had this vague thankfulness because it's all about my comfort. I'm thankful for my husband, because quite frankly, he's awesome. Having an awesome husband makes life comfortable. So does my job, home, friends, and family.

Psalm 107:1 reminded me that the motivation of my thankfulness is God's goodness, not my comfort. My vague thankfulness has not driven me to worship because it has been dependent on my comfort level—and believe me, infertility is uncomfortable! While I know that God is good, I will admit that I've struggled with questioning His goodness. How could He let infertility happen to me? How could He let ___ die?

But God's goodness is not dependent on my circumstances. I'm choosing to believe God's goodness, and am choosing to be thankful in this situation knowing that God will work in it—someway, somehow. God is always good, and as He chips away the parts of my heart that are not good, I pray that I can learn to always be thankful.

When are You Going to Have Kids?

When are you going to have kids?

Does anyone else hate that question? I hated that question from the moment husband and I got married. When we got married, I was still in school. Husband was working full time at a low-paying job to support us. We had NO money. It was risky enough for us to get married, so we knew it wasn't time to add another member to our family.

As time went on, I graduated and began to work full time as well. We were in a better place financially. When people asked at that time, I basically felt like they were asking when we were going to quit birth control, and if we were having a lot of sex.

It's really a completely innocent (although nosy) question, I know. I usually cut people plenty of slack the first couple of times asked, but if asked multiple times, I would have a harder and harder time restraining my annoyance.

But guess what? I have found a new way to ensure that people don't ask this question any more!

Since my surgery a couple of weeks ago, I've been slowly coming out of the infertility closet. It's been somewhat hilarious as I work out the appropriateness of what I share, who I share with, etc. I was talking to an older male coworker one day, and he asked how long I had been married. "Five years," I responded, knowing exactly what the next question was. "Do you have any kids?" I quickly responded, "no". It stung in my ears.

He went on the talk about how him and his wife had been on the five year plan, but his wife had quit birth control earlier, assuming it would take a while to get pregnant, but BAM! She was pregnant right away! He laughed at his wife's ability to get pregnant—like it was something cute. Meanwhile I'm feeling a little irritated, for no other reason than I am internally struggling with jealousy of his wife's ability to get pregnant.

Before even thinking, I blurted out, "Well, I'm infertile, so . . . no surprises like that for me." I assure you, the conversation about kids ended right then and there! Maybe there are benefits to being out of the infertility closet, after all!

Several times as I've thought over that conversation, I've shook my head wondering, "Why did I say that? Surely I made him really, really uncomfortable!" But infertility is uncomfortable. I've had to show my doctor charts of all the times I've had sex in the past year. I had to tell him about my cervical mucous. I had to have multiple exams, and even a surgery.

I really think that there should be more awareness about infertility. People need to be aware that some couples are suffering in silence—if only the keep them from asking that age old question, "when are you going to have kids?"