What is Your Biggest Dream?

I've never been good at journaling, but have always been attracted to the idea of it. So I have started countless journals, only to quit, because I realize that while there are definitely things worth remembering, my day-to-day life is kind of boring. Last year I finally found something that works for me!

It's a five year journal. On each day of the year, it asks a question. Each year, for five years, on that exact date, you answer. You may be shocked to see how much your life has changed in a year. Or maybe you realize that some things haven't changed at all.

You will answer questions like:

Today was delightful because _______

If you had to move to a new city, where would you move?

What was your last great meal?

What made you laugh today?

So it's all fun, and super quick each day. I have managed to keep up with it for 14 months so far! So I'm getting to answer questions now that I answered last year. It's interesting to see how I answered last year as opposed to this year. Today's question was kind of sad, though.

 

It reminded me how much time has gone by. How my attitude has completely shifted from being hopeful, and expectant. How different my world is now. Last year when I answered this question, we had been trying to conceive for six months already and I just KNEW that it would happen next cycle.

This year, I'm tired. I'm a bit beat down. We've been trying for 18 months now. I DON'T think it will happen next cycle, or the next, or next. And I wonder what I will be writing in 2015, 2016, and 2017. Will we finally get to start our family? Will we be beginning the adoption process? Will we still be childless, and wondering what I would be writing for 2018, 2019, and so on? Will God give me a different dream?

I didn't expect infertility. Babies happen so easily for everyone else, it seems. Starting a family didn't seem like an unobtainable dream a year ago. Now it seems like one of those dreams that you are kind of crazy for dreaming. Like it's so unrealistic.

I have been praying so much lately for renewed hope. As I said, I am tired and beat down. I've lost a lot of hope. I've definitely lost any expectation that I had October 8th of last year. And I hope that in 2015, 2016, and 2017—regardless of what my circumstances are like—that I can still dream about something.